THE CROSSROADS OF TRUST

I had seen my primary doctor and I had seen the endocrinologist specialist and now it was time to figure out how to proceed medically with my infertility issues. Again, as described in my previous blog entry “Finding Answers”, my body was low on testosterone, thus no sperm were being created, which all resulted in the infertility. The endocrinologist presented a few options to pursue. First was the standard infertility treatments. We could try in-vitro and other common methods, but with the large cost and the potential moral decisions that would be involved, Fiona and I never felt comfortable or a go ahead from God to pursue that route. That was immediately scratched from the list. Another idea was to take testosterone shots. I don’t remember the exact details of it but I remember not liking the potential side effects involved.

The last hail-mary type idea was to take a drug called Clomiphene, which is commonly given to women with infertility issues. Kinda weird, I know, but the idea behind the drug is that it will block the message cycle in the body which would, in theory, trick the pituitary gland into thinking the body needed testosterone and voila, the process would “naturally” be kick-started. Though there were some potential side effects, they were minimal, and I felt comfortable with this attempt to fix things medically. So I began to take Clomiphene (aka Clomid).

As a man, I’m naturally a problem-solver/fixer, and I felt like this was the way that I could attempt to fix this problem myself, using the resources at my disposal. That resource was Clomid, which I started taking in early June of 2012. Now mind you, the whole sperm creation cycle in and of itself takes a while, but I was problem solving and so, though not logical, I just started expecting things to happen right away.

Clomid became my attempt to fix the problem, even though deep down I knew that God was up to something in our lives. But I still wanted to do things my own way. Two short months went by, but it was two months of false hopes and expectations and getting frustrated when Fiona’s monthly cycle came with no results to be seen. Again, it would have taken a few months to actually work and kick-start the biological process, but I wanted immediate results and I was going crazy internally trying to do this on my own.

I didn’t understand in the midst of everything, but one of the primary lessons we have taken out of our infertility struggles is trusting in the Lord. The phrase “trust in God” is such a cliché phrase and honestly, having grown up in the church, I don’t know if at that point in time, I had actually had to trust Him in a situation that I could not figure out on my own. I later preached on trusting in God (based from this whole experience) and I made the comment that for the first time in my life, I could do nothing. It’s not like I could just command my body to start working. It was such a helpless feeling. I learned that you don’t truly learn trust unless you’re in a situation where you HAVE to trust, because there’s no alternative. A lesson that proved hard for me to learn.

Proverbs 3:5 says that we should trust in the Lord with all our hearts and lean not to our own understanding, but here I was leaning on my own problem-solving ability and what I understood could potentially solve the problem.

Two months go by and we’re at the beginning of August 2012. I felt I was at a crossroads. Was I going to trust in man’s ways, my own ways, what I felt was logical? Was I going to live life with the added stress that it was creating in my mind and heart? Or was I going to trust in God? Mind you, this whole time I was still dealing with my disappointments with the Lord from the past year. How could I trust God who I felt had let me down? I really believe that this is where the prayers of friends and family as well as my upbringing helped me. All the years and years of teaching finally became real. I had to trust completely and solely in God, not leaning on the smarts He blessed with me with.

Almost as quickly and quietly as I had started taking Clomid, I quickly and quietly stop taking it and never went back for another appointment. Though I still had questions and though I didn’t know where God was taking us and what He was doing in our lives….I made the decision to be ALL IN in the arena of trust.

If a miracle was going to happen, my testimony was going to be one of complete surrender to God’s will and His divine touch on my life, without any intervention on my part.

Thank God at this crossroads, I took the right path…..

~ Phil

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