By the end of 2011 we were frazzled with hopes and dreams being dashed. Wondering if we just might not be able to have children, we decided to get some advice. My sister and brother-in-law had faced infertility so we gave them a call right before the New Year. They were so understanding and encouraging, but recommended we wait to do any testing until at least the one year mark of trying to conceive. Just being able to talk openly about our hurts, fears, and disappointments in this area was such a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. We weren’t alone!!
During the first 5 months of 2012, Fiona and I spent times in prayer together specifically focusing on God’s will and His purpose for our lives. Though internally I was struggling with God speaking to me in that still small voice, I still was looking for Him through His Word. He was so gracious to me during this time despite my poor attitude, my misgivings, and my struggles with Him (See Faith Crisis post).
One time He spoke through Exodus 32:4. Moses goes up the mountain and the children of Israel were instructed to wait for him to return. They couldn’t go up there and check on what was going on, but rather, they had to just wait. They didn’t pass the test and ended up building the calf, etc. but God spoke to our hearts through that passage the following: “Be patient in where we are at and don’t worry about the Lord not coming down to give us direction. Just because we don’t have a clear distinct purpose or a plan laid out to us doesn’t mean He’s not moving and preparing the Word on the mountain top.”
In one of our many days of struggling with not getting pregnant, God led us to Matthew 28:20 and Hebrews 13:5-6. He told us that we need to be careful to not get covetous of those around us who had or were having kids. He was going to be with us always, even to the end of the world and He wasn’t going to leave or forsake us. Through this trial we would be able to say that He was our help! It was really hard in that time not to be covetous or envious of others, so He spoke through Romans 12:5 and said we need to rejoice with them that rejoice. We had to be deliberate in celebrating with our friends.
Another time, he spoke through Matthew 11:28-30. He showed us that a spirit of heaviness had been covering our family. The key when we were feeling heavy was to go to Him. It’s the direct opposite of what we felt like doing but God is the one who would take care of the heaviness. We also needed to put on the garment of praise during this time!!
Spring 2012 came and went but we received so many nuggets of truth from Him through His Word. It was still a turbulent, heavy, uncertain time but we knew God was walking right alongside us. Soon the reality of our infertility struggles would come to light. Little did we know how much more we would have to lean on Him and His Word to make it through.