(Here our infertility story continues. If you are just joining us, “Graduation Day and the Onesie” is the beginning of our story. And now…I am excited to have my husband join me in writing about our journey.)
How do you describe a man? Most every wife would comment that when it comes to communicating, their husbands always try to solve the problem or give a solution, instead of “just listening”. That’s who we are. We’re fixers, we’re logical, we’re planners. May 2011 is when the process of my world turning upside down began, but it didn’t happen quite so quickly or in the same way as Fiona.
As we began trying to conceive a child, we would hit that “time of month”, month after month, with no results. I didn’t think much of it, wasn’t worried, and it wasn’t hitting on a deep level in the beginning. I was more concerned with helping Fiona work through her disappointments. Little did I know how much it was affecting her. Until she showed me her “Onesie” blog before posting it last month, I had no clue about the onesie. I remember her disappointment at camp, but I was just trying to guide her through the hurt, never realizing there was more to the story.
Things didn’t hit me until 6 months later.
In early December 2011, we had another very extended delay of Fiona’s “friend” visiting. The delays were maddening because she is so exactly regular. Stress of this whole child-making endeavor really threw things out of whack in her body. So she was late by a week and after months of no positives results, I went into prayer about it, because I didn’t want Fiona to keep hurting. We had been aching in our spirits for a child, and with that in my spirit, I felt the “Lord speaking” that Fiona was indeed pregnant. I didn’t say a word to Fiona but silently got excited and couldn’t wait for the positive test.
It might have been one of the few times I encouraged Fiona to take a pregnancy test, and lo and behold, it came back negative. I was confused but decided to wait it out. A few days went by and she did another test with no positive results, and then the next day her “friend” finally came. Another approximate 2 week delay, that very well could’ve meant a child at hand, but ended up just being that – a delay.
That’s when the unraveling began within me. I grew up in the church….this is all I’ve known my whole life. Yet, I felt I had prayed and I felt God had spoken a word to me, but yet it didn’t come to pass. Did God lie to me? Did I just make it all up in my head? Did I even know the voice of God? Did He even care for me? My faith crisis had begun….I began to shut myself off internally, compartmentalizing the hurt and pain I was feeling into a hidden away room I would never have to visit and thoughts I began to just ignore. I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself or God.
Here I was, the man of the home, the fixer, the problem solver, with no solutions, no fixes, and very alone. There was no way I was telling Fiona about this. She was struggling emotionally in her own regard and I wasn’t going to add this on to her load. I had no friends I felt could relate to what I was going through, so I didn’t tell anyone else…and I sure wasn’t going to talk to God, cause I felt He had failed me.
Thankfully there’s an “on the other side” part to this story, because at the time I sure couldn’t see it.