This is the beginning of our infertility story. I am sharing it in hopes of helping and encouraging others facing infertility. You are not alone and God loves you big! 🙂
It was May 14, 2011 – graduation day. I had waited for this day for a long time. I had worked so hard to get here. I knew this day meant this chapter of my life would soon be coming to a close and we would begin a new chapter – starting a family. That was our plan from the very beginning, finish college and then start a family. Their was much excitement that day not only for what I had accomplished but for our future.
We wasted no time and started “trying” to get pregnant right away. I remember the excitement and the dreaming. I dreamt of taking a pregnancy test and seeing a positive result, ways I would tell my husband, ways we would announce it, having a baby shower, sporting a baby belly, feeling the baby move for the first time – on and on the excitement of what our future would hold swirled around in my mind. We would discuss names and dream of who our little bundle of joy would look like. Our future was bright and the dream of holding a little one of our very own in our arms seemed closer to a reality than ever before.
We waited anxiously for that “time of the month” to see whether or not we had done it! My cycle came as usual. We dismissed it as beginner’s error. Hope was still very much alive in our hearts and we kept “trying”.
A month or so went by and it was “that time of the month” again. And to my excitement nothing happened! Could this be it?! Should I take a test?! Maybe I should wait. Yeah right, there’s no way I could wait! So off to the store we went to get a test. I followed the instructions precisely and anxiously waited for the results. It came back negative. Maybe we took it too early. Maybe I did it wrong. Maybe we should wait a little longer. Life went on as usual and my cycle was 15 days late. I could hardly contain the excitement in my heart. I’ve always been regular so this had to be it!
During that time we headed to an annual summer youth camp we were a part of. We were busy planning and preparing and things were looking hopeful. This could really be it, I could be pregnant! I remember making a special trip to Walmart, the only store around, and buying another pregnancy test along with a onesie that said, “My Dad Rocks”. I figured I had waited long enough and it was time to take another test. If the test came back positive, I wanted to be prepared with the onesie to tell my husband the good news. I had it all planned out in my mind. I took the test and it was negative. Maybe I just needed to give it more time.
The first day of camp came and to my horror, so did my “friend”. Why did I jump to conclusions? Why did I let my emotions and dreaming get the best of me? And what was I going to do with the onesie? I felt so stupid and hurriedly hid it away in my suitcase. Maybe one day I would be able to use it. Shame and regret set in. I tried to be strong that day but it was difficult to fight back the tears of disappointment; disappointment in the situation and in myself. I ended up confiding in a dear friend of mine. She encouraged me. Maybe all hope wasn’t lost.
To be continued… 🙂